The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
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A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Air conditioning – not a fan
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
first you must answer his riddles
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.