I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?