[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.