Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
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Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳