My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
You Might Also Like
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!