*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course