My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
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I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”