Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream