It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
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watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
May have had one breakfast too many
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille