What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
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Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped