Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
You Might Also Like
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.