How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
You Might Also Like
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Banderslack Clamberdorch