When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
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I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.