me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
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My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.