I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
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Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted