boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
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Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.