To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
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i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time