Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
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Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.