Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
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I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Ah..makes sense now
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
thank god the sign was there
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Baking is just science you can eat.