My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
You Might Also Like
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger