Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
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companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Hello Twits.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.