HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
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Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.