When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
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(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.