my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
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People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I’m giving up for Lent.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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