It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
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I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Reporter: *ports again*
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Me: I’m a mature adult
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