[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
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Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds