Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
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Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds