I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
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If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.