I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
You Might Also Like
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.