Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
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My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
no
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise