Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
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Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.