A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
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Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Yup….perfect score!
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
this is so top tier i cant
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not