Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
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Ha.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry