I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
You Might Also Like
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now