Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
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stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
the #horror is real!
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly