“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
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[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
j o i m p
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?