[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
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[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
waiting for halloween be like:
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.