Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
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Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]