Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
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I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles