My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
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“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
May have had one breakfast too many
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant