A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
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I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr