Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
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Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream