[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
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Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
what’s really going on
Me trying to look natural in photos
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.