Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.