“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
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[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?