i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
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ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.