‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
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Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?