Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.