Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
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If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it