I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
You Might Also Like
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.